Happy Mother’s Day!

According to a recent study of more than two thousand mothers, a Washington Times article (“Mothers Alliance Decries Challenge of Pop Culture”, Washington Times, May 3, 2005) says that mothers, regardless of whether they work or stay at home, are dedicated to their children. And they fear that popular culture is undermining their efforts to raise children with positive values. “Mothers are passionate about their children and their roles as mothers, but they agree that childhood ‘is not a protected time’.”

The study also says that most mothers feel besieged by financial worries and the negative influences in American culture. Eighty percent agree that society as a whole should do more to shelter children from aspects of the adult world, particularly related to entertainment and advertising.

Twenty years ago, while working as Director of Ministries with Children in Nashville, Tennessee, I am privileged to work with Mary Elizabeth Gore, “Tipper”, the wife of then Senator Al Gore, as she launches the Parents’ Music Resource Center, an effort to protect children from the effects of explicit media.

How do we preserve personal values in a nation of diverse tastes? she asks. While not advocating censorship, her hope is to provide more information so that communities can fight against market exploitation. The title of her 1987 book is Raising PG Kids in an X-Rated Society.

I am stunned at the fierce attacks against her from both political extremes when the warning labels (or Tipper Stickers) are placed on music with explicit lyrics.

But even then, people seem to tire of the liberal-conservative harangue, turning families, churches, and communities into warring factions. The recurring spiritual theme, both then and now, is the hunger for dialogue, for bridge building, for new relationships across dividing lines. We are all looking for common ground.

In this sermon series, Wrestling with Questions People Ask, I want to invite us to move beyond the polarizing labels and search for the moral center of an issue. Jim Wallis says, “Find common ground by seeking higher ground.” (FaithWorks)

I think we are hungry for a new moral middle, not leaning to the left or to the right, but digging deeply into the questions that affect all of us. The day of the monologue by either side is over. The dialogue has begun.

I am convinced that we can make a difference. We can create new ways of looking at and talking about crucial questions. We can become a values-based community of moral conversation.

Dr. Jim Taylor begins his book, Your Children are Under Attack, with this statement, “The only chance your children have in winning the war against popular culture is if you take sides. Use your power to protect them from the hypnotic allure of damaging values, beliefs, and attitudes.”

In a scene from the 1994 movie, True Lies, Gib and Harry (played by Tom Arnold and Arnold Schwarzenegger) are driving through Washington, D.C. Harry is still shocked by his daughter’s behavior. In the previous scene, Harry watches his daughter steal money from Gib’s wallet.

Harry says, “She knows not to steal. I’ve taught her better than that.” Gib says, “Yeah, but you’re not her parents anymore, you and Helen. Her parents are Guns ‘N’ Roses and Madonna. The five minutes a day you spend with her can’t compete with that kind of constant bombardment. You’re outgunned, amigo.”

“You are outmanned as well”, Taylor continues. “There is no more destructive force in children’s lives than popular culture. It promotes the worst values in people and disguises them all as entertainment.”

Now, even I notice that Reality TV, for example, makes the seven deadly sins - pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth - attributes to be admired. Throw in deceit, spite, and vengeance – all qualities seen and revered in popular culture - and you have the personification of the worst kind of person. I suspect, like many of you, that pop culture contributes to children’s materialism. I fear that the sexual content leads children to become intimate at a younger age and the violent content increases aggressive behavior.

However, Karen Sternheimer in her surprising book, It’s Not the Media: The Truth about Pop Culture’s Influence on Children, claims that we are seeking simplistic answers to complex social issues when we media-bash. She argues that media literacy helps kids navigate this new postmodern world. She says that our resistance to culture masks the fear of social change. A partnership with our children can lead to a new civility that will lead, instead of react.

Whichever reality suits our experience, we have the capability to shore up our children. We have a powerful arsenal: our values. Our values are powerful because they provide a clarity of mission and the resolve to be vigilant.

I hear parents say: “We never sit down and actually talk about what we value.” Well, how can you teach values if you don’t know what values you cherish?

Political groups attempt to commandeer values to satisfy their own agenda. This hijacking turns values into exclusive “holier than thou” domains. This co-opting may cloud “the value of values”.

In the first episode of Reality TV’s Nanny 911, we meet the Rock family: mother Karen, father Matt, 4-year-old Dylan, and 2-year-old Natalie. The Rocks have a home where there are no limits. Both children are completely out of control.

Dylan finds it amusing to constantly talk back to people, cursing by literally spitting in their faces. Karen’s and Matt’s response to this behavior is usually light punishment with no follow-through. Two-year-old Natalie seems to be following very closely in her brother’s footsteps. Says Karen, “We don’t know what we’re doing, so we don’t do anything.”

Nanny 911 coaches Karen and Matt in setting boundaries.

The Rock Family Rules are born:
Respect each other.
Every action has a consequence.
“I want” does not get.
Hands are not for hitting.
Work together.
Be consistent.

Before we can find common ground, we need to define the nature of the higher ground: the formation of values-based lives. What are your core values?

What are your PERSONAL VALUES? Personal values are those values that guide the kind of life you create for yourself.

What are your SOCIAL VALUES? They determine what is important to you in your relationships with others.

What are your SPIRITUAL VALUES? These focus on the role that faith plays in your life. They can be related to a formal religious system or may simply be a set of commitments to the spiritual life.

What are your ACHIEVEMENT VALUES? These relate to the importance you place on attaining goals in your lives.

Then, how do we identify the values that are important to the shaping of healthy children.

Look at your list of values through the lenses of two questions.

What would happen to children if they didn’t have this value?

Is the value necessary for families, communities, societies, and civilizations to function and thrive?

If a value passes this test, it is a core commitment.

Our lesson from Deuteronomy reminds us that the Hebrew people are bound together by covenant. The commitments to love God and neighbor ignite the constancy of their parenting when at home, when away, when lying down, and when rising. The formation of values-based lives is a 24/7 family partnership.

I tell parents that the most important thing they can do for their kids, after providing shelter and food, is to listen to them. Colicky babies and babbles, whiney toddlers, bossy six-year-olds, “snippy” teenagers – they’re all trying to get us to pay attention.

So I advise parents to crawl up on the bed next to their kids every night and say this, “Tell me about your day.” Then, be quiet and listen. Don’t teach them, correct them, advise them. Just let them talk, let them learn that their stories, their ordinary lives are important, even sacred, to the most important person in their world. Let them discover, by the way you listen to them, that they’re beautiful on the inside and the outside.

Tipper Gore says “It’s not easy being a parent these days. It’s even tougher being a kid. Perhaps together we can help our society grow up.”

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

Tipper Gore. Raising PG Kids in an X-Rated Society. Nashville, Tennessee: Abingdon Press, 1987.

Karen Sternheimer. It’s Not the Media: The Truth About Pop Culture’s Influence on Children. Boulder, Colorado: Westview Press, 2003.

Jim Taylor. Your Children are Under Attack: How Popular Culture is Destroying Your Kid’s Values, and How You Can Protect Them. Napierville, Illinois: Sourcebooks, Inc., 2005.

WEBSITES
www.chinaberry.com
The goals at Chinaberry are “to support conscious parenting” and to help families create a home with serenity and beauty. Book choices support positive role models and the reinforcement of ethical choices.

www.lionlamb.org
The Lion and Lamb Project focuses on decreasing the marketing of violence to children.

www.parents-choice.org
The Parents’ Choice organization is a non-profit public service promoting excellent in books, music, software, TV shows, toys, and games for children of all ages.

www.screenit.com
This public service site provides detailed descriptions of movies and music.